


A Fox's Fishy Farce

by PseudoFox



Category: Red Letter Media, Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anthropomorphic, Awkwardness, Comedy, Furry, Humor, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Original Character(s), Red Letter Media reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 14:46:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11946483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoFox/pseuds/PseudoFox
Summary: Taking a break from his police work for a weekend drive, Nick Wilde faces off against a group of anxious teenage passengers after their SUV breaks down. These bunnies aren't interested in his usual array of time-wasters, the fox struggling to fix the vehicle in the pouring rain, so he'll try his best to occupy them any way he can. This might not work out just how he'd planned.





	A Fox's Fishy Farce

Nick Wilde clutched his umbrella against his light jacket as he heard the storm above growing stronger and stronger. Featureless black asphalt stretched all around where he stood. The tall mounds of jagged grey rock shooting up beside the huge road looked every bit as bland and depressing as well. The fox rubbed a bit of water off of his face and looked through the windshield at the rowdy passengers.

"Does it happen _every_ October? They get some adult to chauffeur them around, only for everything to get messed up?" he muttered under his breath. The bunnies got into pointless argument after pointless argument with each other, paws hitting paws every few seconds. The frustrated fox slipped his eyes off of the car for a moment and stared plainly at the cold, hard pavement, rain starting to form little pools all over.

The reflection of his paws on a big wrench, pulling it of a coat pocket, gave him a much-needed shot of confidence. After all, he thought, his mother had always had a knack for repairing all sorts of mechanical things. He'd heard from ZNN on one of those freaky science-themed shows that those genes got passed down on the feminine side.

"Easy-peasy," Nick said, locking the wrench on a large nut and giving it a twist, "as long as I can—"

Nick snapped his head back just in time— his face a split-second away from a cloud of oily smoke. The fox gritted his teeth as the hood slammed back down. He shut his eyes and imagined popping the hood back— only to see the old, massive engine magically replaced with a set of tiny treadmills powered by Little Rodentia convicts. In reality, however, the engine remained totally dead as the pitter-patter of freezing rain gathered up strength around him.

"He's not screaming his lungs out, so that means he didn't shut the roof on his paws," murmured a pair of rabbits deep inside the car, "I guess that's a good thing."

"Is the smoke a bad sign, Mr. Wilde?" asked Harriet Hopps, sticking her long head out of the passenger side window.

"No shit, dummy," growled a fat, gruff bunny from way in the backseat, "how the hell could it possibly be a _good sign_?"

"Easy," Nick remarked, stepping back to the driver's side door. He stared at the array of teenage bunnies crammed into the SUV, eyes wandering over their acne-coated faces for a moment. As their little eyes gradually looked back at him, the fox put on a determined expression. "Look, if it's this busted—"

"Aw, are we really going to have to wait like a whole damn _hour_ ," griped a pair of twins lodged way in the back. Their twitching noises smacked up against the adjacent window. A few other bunnies nearby made similar moans of annoyance.

"Until Mr. Hop—" Nick stopped to correct himself, knowing that the crowd of relatives thought of five separate rabbits as 'Mr. Hopps' already. "Until your ol' uncle Stu gets here to pick us up, I'm afraid, we're going to have to sit tight. But that doesn't mean—"

A dozen rabbits let out frustrated cries. Several of them clutched their ears in front of their faces. The fox closed his eyes once again and gently tapped his paws upon the hood, trying to think.

"Look, kids," he said, "the fact of the matter is: this SUV is literally older than I am. It has to break down every one and a while. I can't fix anything right now, I know, but we still managed to call Stu before our cellphones died. Since we're safely shoved off onto the shoulder, we can just wait—"

"Get your Goddamn foot off of my shoulder," yelled out a rabbit from the back.

"We can _calmly_ wait," Nick went on, popping open the driver's side door, "for Stu to arrive."

"What now?" Harriet asked. She slid out of her place to give the fox some room, yet she immediately hopped her body against the dashboard and locked eyes with Nick.

"Well," the fox began, trying to lean back a bit, "mammals managed to pass the time on these trips long before any of those little electronics were invented. There's the usual group of time-wasters and that you might've seen in old movies. Like—"

"Come on, we're too old for stupid sing-alongs," murmured a bunny that popped up above Nick's head.

"Okay, what about—"

"What the hell could we do with 'Eye-Spy'? We're in the middle of nowhere on a deserted highway, aren't we?" groused yet another rabbit.

"There's also—"

"Both of the flashlights are dead. We told you that when we went through all of our cellphones, one by one," Harriet chimed in, thrusting a paw against Nick's shoulder as her irritation bled out into her voice, "and since you forgot the charging cables—"

"Fine!" Nick burst out.

"Fine," a pair of twins brushing up against the nearby window repeated.

"What about a, well, a story?"

"Story-time?" Harriet murmured. She shook her head before reflectively clutching her lipstick and makeup case out of her tiny pink purse. "What do think we are— _twelve_?"

"I'm starting _college_ next week," added a particularly fat and considerably short bunny from right behind her, "and I—"

"How about an _adult_ story-time?" Nick asked, abruptly putting on a sly smile.

"Huh?" Harriet muttered. The other rabbits simply looked out blankly in Nick's direction.

"You know," the fox went on, wiggling himself a bit and leaning up against the steering wheel, "everyone's old enough here, and there's no other 'authority figure'—" The air quotes that Nick made caused a few of the kids to giggle. "Here except for me."

"Oh, so like something Halloween related? I guess?"

Nick had no idea where that voice had come on— seemingly bellowed directly underneath him, maybe from the cold highway pavement itself— but he replied with a vigorous knee slap and immense smile. "If you want to, sure! And we could make it one of those things that grandpa foxes would sing to each other, when the vixens weren't around!"

"Singing? So, the story's set up as a kind of rhyming thing or something?" Harriet wondered, still looking deeply clueless.

The fox had nothing to go on other than a heavy dose of raw boredom, a slight smattering of tiredness, a belly full of fish tacos from the stand that their SUV had passed a bit ago, and an eager bunny audience. Yet that was more than enough for him. He rubbed his paws upon Harriet's head and began his little bit of horror-meets-song.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Once upon a time, I say /  
In Tundratown, a ways away /  
Two big wolves, they ventured out /  
With big plans, they had no doubt.

The teenage girls, covered in fluff /  
Biking into snow, just in the buff /  
Clothes all discarded, left and right /  
Lewd fun outdoors, by the lamplight!

The October moon was far overhead /  
And most packs weren't at all in bed /  
But in their little forest field, well /  
The wolves were alone; they could tell.

The abandoned seafood plant off to their side /  
Got closed long ago after a wild business ride /  
Not that they cared as they had great plans /  
A lesbian romp in the snow-covered sands!

Betty moaned out, "Use those magic paws" /  
Anneke groaned back, "It's one of my draws" /  
"Big girls say they're straight, yes, they want to turn me down" /  
"But my smooth massages, yes, made this a girl-on-girl town."

Little did they know, even as mouths rubbed on fuzzy breast /  
Another creature had stirred, something coming off from the west /  
The old plant dumped all this waste, nasty and gross, into the river /  
And this scale-covered being, icky and twisted, began to quiver!

Anneke lifted her head, beginning to scream /  
Betty shivered and shook, living a bad dream /  
The scaly monster was just the first, climbing up high out of the water /  
The wolves scampered off the snow, running nude to somewhere hotter.

The naked wolves cried for help in vain, running up the road to shocked truckers /  
But the time had come for the scaly ones, it was _'The Invasion of the Fish-Fuckers!'_

The wet arms grabbed the lesbians, shoving them onto the ground /  
They yelled for help to no avail, no solace at all could be found /  
The scene repeated time and time again, happening at every little place /  
The _Fish-Fuckers_ arose— out of the water beyond time and space!

The Mayor went on television, sweat pouring so much he might as well drown /  
"I've got to tell you all the truth: no woman with big tits or fat asses is safe in this town!"

The Fish-Fuckers stormed the strip clubs, then the naturalist hangouts too /  
Slithering fingers shoved onto hard nipples, fishy limbs all covered in goo /  
Ewes, does, lionesses, and more— no fuzzy female was ever safe /  
Even the flatter girls ran in fear— the Fish-Fuckers still went for every waif!

"What do we do?" asked the scientists, pondering with paws on their glasses /  
"The police, fire department, and even the army... they get knocked on their asses" /  
The Fish-Fuckers are a force that it seems cannot be stopped /  
Every squishy, aquatic load in their balls ends up popped!

The head scientist rang his secretary for a coffee, quite the addict for caffeine /  
The massive rack on his tigress companion, it spurred on a twisted dream /  
To lure out the Fish-Fuckers, the man explained, she'd be tied in the grassy knoll /  
A trap created for them, he assured her, before out went a single slithery pole!

The tigress pulled out her glorious knockers, saying "Pandora, girl, this is your moment" /  
Her nipples glistened in the laboratory light, the scientists' crotches—"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Holy cheese and crackers!" Stu Hopps screamed out. His face swelled up like a crimson balloon about to pop. "Just what in the name of God are you talking about?"

"I was, uh, well," Nick muttered, his train of thought having completely derailed. The fox wiggled his paws helplessly in the air as he felt a group of older bunnies pulling him out of the SUV altogether.

"The... what did you say... the _'Fish-Fuckers'_?" Bonnie Hopps had to spit out those last words, sounding like a bad piece of carrot cake hurling out of her mouth.

The fox ambled upright and stood up straight against the SUV. He'd finally come back to his senses completely, feeling the gentle rain slipping down onto his orange fur, and stared blankly at the older bunnies in front of him. They glared at him as if they planned to use him for a pelt lying on their living room rug.

"Well, after all," Nick whimpered, holding his arms back and sucking in little breaths, "they are... were bored. And aren't bored anymore, are they?"

"Tell us more about the lesbians!" Harriet interjected, shoving her head out of the window.

"... maybe later," the fox squeaked.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks very much for reading!
> 
> This piece is... odd, indeed, but I wanted to write something related to the "Thematic Thursday" event (centered around horror) that embraced classic schlock movie silliness (with a Red Letter Media reference, no less). I hope that I came up with something interesting at least. Thank you again for taking a look.


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